


So You Were Walking With Your Wife Through A Swamp One Day And Happened Upon A Shirtless Twink

by UggsBetts



Series: Loved to Completion: A Confluence of Marriages [5]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Bondage, Comedy, Consensual Non-Consent, Deepthroating, Fantasy, Gay, Humiliation, M/M, Necromancy, Nonbinary side character, Parody, Polyamory, Smut, Trans Male Character, carole baskin parody, joe exotic - Freeform, joe exotic parody, the tiger king - Freeform, tiger king spoof
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-21
Updated: 2020-04-21
Packaged: 2021-03-01 20:33:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,759
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23763154
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UggsBetts/pseuds/UggsBetts
Summary: Aelor, the chubby tall pale Crown Devirginized Prince of Conqueria, and Steve the short dark and handsome Sex Wizard travel into the depths of a swamp to rescue Chrysanthemum Basket's husband from the deadly necromancer, J'oh Necrotic. What will our heroes face in the depths of those swamps? Will they ever stop bickering? And just what is J'oh doing with those corpses? Find out in this side-story of The Story of a Man Who Saw a Tree and Was Like, “I’m Gonna Fuck That.”
Series: Loved to Completion: A Confluence of Marriages [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1434640





	So You Were Walking With Your Wife Through A Swamp One Day And Happened Upon A Shirtless Twink

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Dark And Dirty Kinktober fics](https://archiveofourown.org/works/20898731) by [jezebel_rising](https://archiveofourown.org/users/jezebel_rising/pseuds/jezebel_rising). 



> Inspired by chapter 3 of Dark And Dirty Kinktober fics by jezebel_rising.

“Aelor, honey bunny, why did we have to come all the way out here to the swamp?”

“Steve, it is my duty as the Prince of Conqueria to protect the land and her peoples!”

“Yes, but Princess Amelia said she wanted to go. And my new robes are…” Steve looked down and yanked the midnight blue material out of the mouth of a very shy, cute alligator who bashfully fluttered its lashes at him before sinking back into the murk. “For fuck’s sake, look at this! Teeth marks! My sibling just got these robes for me!”

“Steve, let’s not pretend that it wasn’t going to get teeth marks in it anyway. Just because it was a lil reptile’s mouth and not mine doesn't change the fact that those robes were doomed the moment the thought of the gift popped into her-”

“-their-”

“-their mind.”

“Well, darling hubby-sband, I s’pose you have a point.” 

SPLASH.

...

“STEVE HELP I’VE FALLEN INTO THE SWAMP.”

Steve, aka Erstwyle the Witty, aka Greylorn the Discomfitted, aka Zanzabay the Most Conceited, Charged, and Powerful Wizard (as he was known in the South) stopped wading through the muck, held his chin as though thinking, and said aloud: “Huh, it would be too bad if I suddenly came out of this whole situation sans husband. Sure would be a shame if uhhhhh I was suddenly single again. I wonder what #%$%%*) is up to these days?”

An unholy shriek exploded from the spot next to him, and birds everywhere took flight, blackening the dark skies with their wingbeats.

“SSSTTTEEEVVEEEEEE I SWEAR ON ALL THAT IS HOLYYYYYYbblkjaaghhblll-”

The wizard’s eyes landed on the long-since-no-longer-virgin prince’s rapidly sinking head, bubbles appearing next to the patch of blonde fluff sticking out of the mud.

“Oh look! I’ve found my husband!  _ Lac filio. _ ” His wand was out and swirling in the air in less than a moment, and slowly with each twirl of the wand, Aelor was pulled from the brown fetid gloopy flesh of the swamp. As more of his body emerged, the stranger it was that he said not a word, and finally he was fully free and Steve could see his whole body: see the way his arms were crossed, see the extreme frown on his face, see the glassy rage in his eyes.

_ Well fuck _ , the super old wizard eloquently thought.  _ Fuck fuck. _

“Ah! If it isn’t my darling husband! Who I am so happy to be married to!” he joked.

Yet Aelor said not a word, and instead walked past Steve, leaving him behind on the path. The forlorn wizard caught up to his curse-mate and tried to make jokes, but Aelor gave not a single inch.

“At least let me clean you. I know you like being  _ dirty _ but this is taking it a bit far.”

Aelor stopped his stomping and rounded on his husband, eyes squinting in outrage, mouth also squinting in outrage. He looked like a big ole pale raisin, is what I’m saying.

“Do it then,  _ dick _ . DO it so I can LEAVE your ass here on this fucking SWAMP ROAD, run back to the castle, sit down witht the royal lawyers, and find a way out of this curse to DIVORCE YOU FOR REAL. I’LL FUCKING DO IT, STEVE. Also what kind of fucking name is Steve?!? You’re a wizard! You can do magic! And your name is STEVE?!?!? I-” but then he couldn’t speak anymore because his mouth was occupied with a much more important task.

The wizard with the singular boring name Steve held Aelor to him, their mouths moving together, mud ruining his brand new midnight blue robes further, but he didn’t care anymore. The only thing he cared about was shutting up his husband because even the whiff of divorce was enough to make the lukewarm, shriveled organ that sat in the middle of his chest ache. Ever since it had first awoken, that time when Steve and Aelor were entering the castle the first time through the backdoor, after Steve had impaled Aelor on his wand and deepthroated him, swallowing rope after rope down his throat as Aelor was spread helplessly upon the stone tunnel wall, when he saw the sweat on Aelor’s chest and brow glistening in the torchlight, tears running down his face, wearing the most beautiful smile that the wizard had ever seen… ever since then, his heart had taken to beating occasionally, even twinging occasionally, making him feel guilty occasionally, et cetera et cetera, so on and so forth. It was deeply uncomfortable and unwelcome, but what was he supposed to do, cut it out of his chest?

(Someone else had already tried that, and it ended up in a big mess, and not the fun kind.)

And so ever since then, his heart had seemed to… defrost. Forcing him into situations he never would have put himself into before. And so here he was again in such a situation: comforting Aelor, quieting Aelor, distracting Aelor so he stopped threatening divorce, stopped threatening to leave Steve. Steve personally didn’t care if the prince left, of course he didn’t. He’d been a tree for a thousand years, had traveled all over for countless years before that, and he DID NOT CARE about people and their affairs. It’s just what happened when you lived that long.

(And he’d never cared much for them even when he was newly borne. He just wasn’t a being  _ like that _ .)

(Unlike Aelor’s family who care about  _ literally everything all the time. _ )

(Steve was exhausted from living with all of them in the castle, especially his spouse’s weepy thoughtful father, and so maybe his complaining at the beginning of the chapter was just… bored travel complaining, not REAL complaining. In truth, it had been a while since he and Aelor were able to get away just the two of them, and Steve, sex wizard that he was, had already espied several potential makeout spots on their way, and several very well-placed rocks and bubbling brooks that would make VERY fun accessories…)

Aelor broke out of the kiss, laughing.

“Hahaha, Steve, we’re covered in mud. You can’t  _ possibly _ be in the mood right now.” Aelor looked down at the wizard’s pelvic region and pointed at the raised robes there and the slight vibration his wand was making.

“Oh, oops, haaaaaaa… yes no of course not I mean yes I was only thinking about sex because I only think about sex and I don’t lo- hahahHAHA anyway I’ll make you clean!!  _ Lavari _ .” 

Soft light sputtered around them, enveloping them. Suddenly it was gone and their clothes were clean.

“Why does that make my skin tingle EVERY time?” Aelor asked, looking down at his clean white clothes, not expecting a response. He was still laughing to himself, took Steve’s hand in his, and led them further into the swamp.

Steve’s heart warmed the longer his prince held his hand, and Steve hated it and feared it.

_ It means nothing _ , he thought.  _ I just had too much to eat. It’s heartburn, completely normal. I’m not falling in lo- _

“Stop!” Steve yelled, and Aelor froze and released his hold on his husband, dagger appearing in his hand, summoned from the tattoo on his left forearm.

“What is it? What do you sense?”

“Uh…. we’re… getting close? Yeah. That’s all,” Steve stammered.

“Oh. For fuck’s sake Steve. You nerd.” The dagger disappeared from Aelor’s hand and he continued on. Steve’s empty hand felt cold, but his heart also felt colder, and that was comforting. He hurried after his tall pale chubby prince bae.

Their traveling silence was broken by the wizard first.

“So, who brought this to the court’s attention? Chrysanthemum something?”

“Yeah, Chrysanthemum Basket. She said her husband’s been stolen by a necromancer. J’oh Necrotic, I think?”

“That’s QUITE the name for a necromancer.”

“Yeahhhhh it sure is. So anyway, this necromancer stole her husband’s body? Or something. And in Conqueria, we take spouse thievery very seriously.”

“Yes, you all are very concerned with marriages. It’s kind of-”

“Cool, right? I mean, if I’d been able to go about things the normal way instead of with a sex cur- uh, a very lovely blessing by a very lovely and not at all terrifying and swole forest fairy, it would’ve been pretty cool to have a whole wedding and eveything. I actually had a boyfriend before I turned eighteen, and he and I were gonna-”

And then puking sounds happened. Lots of puking sounds. The Crown Prince turned and saw his current husband leaning over a big gloppy puddle of… something gloppy and…  _ purple _ ???

“Uhhhh lovely husb-ly, are you good? Are you gucci? What the fuck?”

“Sorry, hun- BLEARGH- honey bun- GGGGUGH- bunny. *cough cough* Fuck.” Steve stood up, wiping his mouth with the back of a sleeve. He looked at it afterwards, realization at his once-again ruined robes dawning over his face. “Goddammit!!! These fucking robes!!! Are they cursed or something?! They promised me they weren't gonna curse my robes again after what happened last time!”

_ What happened last time with his sibling?  _ Aelor wondered, but didn’t say aloud. 

“Looks like you got a little something on your-”

“Oh, does it look like I got a little something on my robes? Does it? I’m going to burn them.” Steve pulled out his wand and held it like a candle, a small flame flickering to life at the tip. 

“Oh come on. Don’t be dramatic, just cast another  _ lavatory _ or whatever.”

“No Steve I’m serious I’m gonna fucking do it I can’t take this anymore I’m gonna-” but he couldn’t finish his rant because after a quick eyeroll where his blue orbs bounced around, Aelor took two steps into his husband’s personal space and swallowed down the wand, heat sizzling the back of his throat, the smooth velvet of the dark burnt orange glowing wood sliding easily down. His chin was tilted up and he plucked the wand from Steve’s dark hands just like that with his mouth, swirling his tongue around as much of the length as he could, what with his mouth stuffed full of the rod. He lifted a delicate hand and played with the base, plunging the wood in and out of his throat a few times as he sauntered away.

“ _ Ah _ …  _ Aelor, you ah-  _ you can’t just…  _ hngg… _ ” and Steve followed his prince obediently, stained robes forgotten, helpless to the pleasure the definitely-not-a-virgin-anymore-prince was forcing him to experience.

Like Saint Valentine of Earth, Aelor led his snake further into the swamp.


End file.
